Dracula Untold nothing to sink your teeth into

Maybe its called Dracula Untold because it isnt worth telling. In the film, an attempt to create a Dracula franchise for Universal Pictures, 15th century warrior prince Vlad Dracul (Brit Luke Evans, The Hobbit) isnt a bad guy, really, not even when he had previously impaled a thousand Turkish villagers men, women and children (hence, the tag Vlad the Impaler). Hes just a traumatized child trying to save his people and his family.

This plotline has nothing to do with Bram Stokers 1897 novel, a global sensation, spawning a hit play and an unlicensed film (Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror), as well as Universals 1931 studio-saving smash Dracula with Bela Lugosi reprising his stage performance.

The best thing about this new Dracula movie is Charles Dance of Game of Thrones as the original Carpathian vampire, who lives in a cave in Broken Tooth Mountain, where he has been drinking Turks blood. Dance would have made a spectacular Dracula in his day.

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Our Vlad goes to this creature to gain his superpowers (Super Dracula? Its been done) to defeat the vast CGI Turkish hordes of his former brother and current enemy Mehmed (Brit Dominic Cooper), who has demanded 1,000 Transylvanian boys to raise as warrior slaves. Where are my boys? Mehmed wants to know. After drinking the vampires blood from a Turkish skull, Vlad crushes rocks, turns into a swarm of bats while running, sees with vampire vision and hears the creatures of the night.

Vlads beloved wife, Mirena (a photogenic Sarah Gadon), and beloved son, Ingeras (similarly photogenic Art Parkinson), only want their beloved Vlad back. But once a vampire, well, you know. Actually, Vlad has three days to be a vampire and revert to human as long as he does not give in to his thirst for blood. What?

Irish commercial filmmaker Gary Shore makes his feature film debut with this chunk of stinky cheese. Dracula Untold was written by newcomers Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Between the plastic-looking Broken Tooth Mountain, Vlads fake castle and the CGI bat air force, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of computer-generated Cheez Whiz. I also found myself spending more time gazing at the elaborate coifs and facial hair than worrying about whether Vlad could resist sinking his teeth into Gadons milky-white neck. Dracula deserves better than this corporate swill.

(Dracula Untold contains action-movie-style violence and frightening images.)

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Dracula Untold nothing to sink your teeth into

Reviewed and Recommended by Erik Baquero