Vampires Anonymous (a Very Short Play in One Act) – Patheos

July 30 marked my ninth year of sobriety, and while I didnt get a chance to celebrate (thanks, Pandemic!), I did spend some time reflecting on the various milestones of my recovery.

There have definitely been some highs (no pun intended) along with some devastating setbacks, but in keeping with the occult theme of this blog, I will say that my favorite and most memorable 12-step moment involved a roomful of vampires.

Theres an annual LGBTQ+ recovery conference in Houston called the Roundup, and on the first night, theres always a play, which, back in 2015, I somehow ended up writing and directing. Instead of trying to bang out one long, 90-minute show, I wrote eight short vignettes, loosely following David Ives All in the Timing, which I could rearrange and recast as necessary.

The final product titled Sicker Than Others premiered to great acclaim, but since it was a one-night-only performance, it quickly faded away into the annals of Houston recovery history. I recently came across a copy of the script, though, and seeing as how I didnt really acknowledge my sobriety birthday on its actual date, I figured Id do so now and share some dramatics with my readers.

Each vignette was based on something that happened to me in real life, just taken to a satirical extreme, and the scene that went over best with the audience was a creative retelling of the time I accidentally attended an Al-Anon meeting. Oh, and before we get into it, I should mention that everyone cast in this scene was a member of Crystal Meth Anonymous, so they were 100% in on the jokes, which kept the overall performance from being, like, unforgivably offensive.

So with that out of the way, and in honor of the day I decided to stop effing up my life with bottom-shelf bourbon, I humbly present

GARY, CLARENCE, TOBY, and WINSTON are sitting around a table, chatting quietly. LILY enters, frazzled and slightly out of breath.

LILY: Hi, is this the meeting?

GARY: Yes! Yes it is. Come on in.

LILY: Oh, good. Ive been running late all day, and I got lost trying to get here, and I just I just really need a meeting, you know?

GARY: (smiling warmly) Oh, believe me, I know.

CLARENCE: Okay, everyone. Lets go ahead and get started.

(Everyone else stops chatting, reaches back, and pulls on black cloaks.)

CLARENCE: Hello! Im Clarence, and Im a vampire.

EVERYONE EXCEPT LILY: Hi, Clarence!

CLARENCE: Welcome to the Father of Darkness meeting of Vampires Anonymous. Vampires Anonymous is a coven of undead individuals who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problems and help each other stop drinking human blood. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking human blood. There are no dues or fees for VA membership: We are self-supporting through the estates and finances of humans who are now dead, on account of we drank their blood. Is this anyones first VA meeting, anytime, anywhere?

(LILY slowly raises her hand. Everyone reacts with controlled excitement First Step meeting!)

CLARENCE: Hello! Could you give us your first name?

LILY: Um hi. Im Lily

EVERYONE ELSE: Hi, Lily!

LILY: and Im in the wrong room.

CLARENCE: Whoops. Where did you?

LILY: I, uh thought this was an AA meeting.

CLARENCE: Oh. Youre an alcoholic.

(Everyone shifts in their seats and trades glances.)

LILY: What?

CLARENCE: Nothing, nothing. Its just AA only meets here on Tuesdays. Youre a day early.

LILY: Ah. My mistake. Ill just get out of your way.

(She stands and walks quickly towards the door.)

GARY: (helpfully) You can stay if you want.

(Everyone else hisses aggressively.)

GARY: What? She said she really needed a meeting.

LILY: Look, I dont want to impose or intrude or anything. Ill just

CLARENCE: Yeah, its probably best if you

GARY: Its not an imposition at all! This is an open meeting.

TOBY: (stage whisper) Stop helping, Gary.

LILY: Are youre sure its okay?

GARY: It really is.

LILY: Well, okay then.

(She takes her seat warily. GARY looks at CLARENCE expectantly.)

CLARENCE: (ruffled, but trying to stay in control) Okay, where were we ah, yes. Ive asked Toby to read the 12 Steps.

TOBY: Hi, Im Toby, and Im a vampire.

EVERYONE ELSE: Hi, Toby!

LILY: (weakly, a beat behind) Toby.

TOBY: These are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of not drinking human blood. One

WINSTON: One! Ah ah ah aaaah!

TOBY: We admitted we were powerless over drinking human blood, that our gruesome, nightmarish existence had become unmanageable. Two

WINSTON: Two! Ah ah ah aaaah!

TOBY: Came to believe that an unholy, unspeakable power greater than ourselves could keep us from drinking human blood. Three

WINSTON: Three! Ah ah ah aaaah!

LILY: You know what? This is like the opposite of okay, so Im going to just go ahead and get as far away from here as I can.

GARY: (dejected) Oh. Well, if you gotta go

LILY: (halfway to the door) I do.

GARY: Okay then. Be safe.

LILY: Thanks. I will.

TOBY: (not quite under his breath) Its not like you need to be here anyway.

LILY: Excuse me?

TOBY: Hmmm?

LILY: Did you just say I dont need to be here?

TOBY: Well, I mean, youre an alcoholic.

LILY: Yeah

TOBY: Were vampires.

LILY: And?

TOBY: So, yknow, we feasted on the souls of the innocent, and you (he looks her up and down) what, had too many appletinis? Spilled a vodka cranberry on your favorite silk shoes?

LILY: THEY WERE MANOLO BLAHNIKS.

WINSTON: Blahniks! Ah ah ah aaaah!

TOBY: (to WINSTON) Really?

LILY: Look, you dont know anything about me, or where Ive been, okay? You dont know what Ive gone through

TOBY: or why you think your addiction is as bad as ours.

(beat)

LILY: Its Toby, right?

TOBY: Yes.

LILY: Toby eat me.

(beat)

TOBY: (whining to CLARENCE) The alcoholic is trying to trigger me!

CLARENCE: Alright, everyone, calm down. Toby, go to your happy place. Lily Garys right. This is an open meeting, so if you want to stay, you can.

LILY: Thank you. I think I will. (She sits and smiles triumphantly at TOBY, who sulks back.)

CLARENCE: Lets just move on with the meeting, okay?

TOBY: Fine.

CLARENCE: Good. So today, I thought we could talk about gratitude.

(Everyone except GARY groans.)

GARY: Yay! I love gratitude meetings!

TOBY: Of course you do.

LILY: Listen, I really appreciate you letting me stay, but I think Im going to take off.

GARY: Why?

LILY: I just cant handle another freaking gratitude meeting.

TOBY: Wait you hate gratitude meetings?

LILY: Ugh. I really do.

TOBY: I hate gratitude meetings too!

LILY: Really?

TOBY: Oh, theyre awful. I mean, if I wanted to hear someone listing off all the things theyre so damn happy about

LILY: Id watch The Sound of Music.

TOBY: Exactly! You know maybe were not all that different.

LILY: You know I think maybe youre right.

TOBY: Okay, so you drank alcohol, and I drank

LILY: human blood.

TOBY: (chuckling) Yeah, human blood. But but, I guess it doesnt matter what we drank. What matters is that were recovering from our drinking.

LILY: (smiling) I agree.

TOBY: Im glad youre here.

LILY: Me too. (She pulls up the hood of her sweatshirt to match everyone else.)

Originally posted here:
Vampires Anonymous (a Very Short Play in One Act) - Patheos