Bender: The zombies would starve – Grand Forks Herald

If you're wondering how even this administration could be so inept in its handling of the pandemic, that question was answered last week by a report from Vanity Fair. It turns out the White House had a plan after all. It was left there by the Obama Administration in the top lefthand drawer right near the competence. However, Jared Kushner, runner-up to Stephen Miller in the White House Dead Eyes Contest, decided in April that since the outbreaks were then most prevalent in blue states, the administration would forego a national strategy to combat the disease. You know, because Blue Lives don't matter.

The upside was obvious: They could pin the ineptitude on liberals and, when they all died out, the zombies would starve. Plus, without a response to coordinate, it left the White House more time to plan the invasion of Portland (P-Day) and to plot ways to out-Hoover Herbert Hoover on the economy.

Governors were left scrambling to outbid one another for health care supplies on eBay auctions. That worked great (for eBay) until COVID-19 started spiking in red states such as Arizona, Florida and Texas. The good news is zombies are scarce in Texas because most of the brains there are in armadillos, and for a zombie, an armadillo skull is as difficult to open as is a child-proof cap on a bottle of hydroxychloroquine for the president.

Last week, the president touted the bonafides of a doctor who believes hydroxychloroquine cures COVID-19, and possibly even bone spurs. She also has some ideas (awaiting peer-review) about alien DNA. Which could explain Kushner and Miller.

The president also announced that he'd like to postpone the election despite the fact that his infernal polling shows him way ahead. The thing is, if the presidency isn't decided by Jan. 20, Nancy Pelosi would become our new dictator.

Meanwhile, in North Dakota (theme from Deliverance), Republicans are still trying to decide who gets credit for the discriminatory language about The Gays in their platform. A TikTok hack? Possibly.

Another person of interest is North Dakota Republican Sen. Kevin Cramer.

One thing is clear, though, North Dakota has produced the country's only known pandemic miracle. Despite a resurgence in COVID-19 cases, the state's risk level assessment was still on green early this week. Green is the New Orange. Apparently much of the populace has adopted a strategy of herd immunity. It works great for Brucellosis, so why not? Last week, venders at an arts and crafts fair on the capitol grounds in Bismarck were even selling smallpox blankets.

Still, with schools reopening this month, there've been murmurs from concerned patrons about the need for more school prayer. Maybe even a weekly virgin sacrifice to appease the economy. Mandatory masks, though? Now, you're pushing it.

Sure, it's a little nerve-wracking, but there's not a zombie in sight.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column for Forum News Service.

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Bender: The zombies would starve - Grand Forks Herald

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